I Love the Queen...and her Pocketbook.

Like many, I’ve had some extra time lately to binge watch shows from my couch, guilt free, while wearing heinous sweat pants. I am currently re-watching the Netflix series, The Crown . My respect for Queen Elizabeth grows immensely with each viewing.   


I first took notice of the royal family in 1977 when Prince Charles attended a University of Georgia football game in my hometown of Athens, Georgia. We got trounced by Kentucky thirty to nothing, but no one likes to tell that part. I was thirteen years old at the time, watching from the Hedges as Prince Charles walked out onto the field in Sanford Stadium with Coach Dooley. The adults around me were so impressed by a visiting member of the royal family. I was more fascinated that Ellie Mae Clampett from the Beverly Hillbillies was also there that day. And that James Brown sang and danced with the Redcoat Band at halftime, knocking out the sound system temporarily when he did his first split during “I Feel Good.” As it turned out, Prince Charles was the most boring part of the game. 


I used to think that Queen Elizabeth was boring too. But watching The Crown has reminded me otherwise. The more I learn about her life experience, the more respect I have for her. At ninety-four years old, the Queen still gets up and does her job every day, a job she’s had for 66 years and does not seem to be giving up voluntarily. During her reign, she’s been through twelve different Prime ministers, starting with Winston Churchill. I get upset if there’s a new person working at my McDonald's Drive Thru. “Where is Steve?" I yelled at the new girl. "He knows my order. And my special sauces [sad face].” 


A recent royal photograph shows Queen Elizabeth together with her son Prince Charles, his son Prince William, and his son Prince George. This rare royal photo includes four generations of direct lineage to the English throne. In the photo, Prince Charles is touching his grandson lovingly on the shoulder. But the Queen ain’t touching nobody. She has both hands clasped tightly in front of her with her purse firmly planted on her arm. “These people behind me are not taking my throne," she says with her smile. "And they are not taking my purse either.” For most family photos, the photographer would have said “Hey, Nana, why don’t we put your purse over here so it's not in the photo?” But this is not a normal Nana. This is the Queen of England. Either she said no or they were too afraid to ask. 


Queen Elizabeth favors purses from the U.K. designer, Launer. They are usually black, shiny black, or black. I love the Queen, but I’m not a big fan of having the purse in this important photo. It doesn’t go with her dress, and she looks worried someone will steal it. It’s just a big ole ‘Nana’s Gone to Wal-Mart After Church’ pocketbook.  Why does she even need a purse? Aren’t there a bunch of people who can hand her stuff? If she needs a tissue, certainly there is a person whose job it is to hand her tissues. “What is your job sir?” “I am the Tissue Boy. It is my duty to hand tissues to the Queen.” If she needs something to eat, she can just say, “Y’all, I am so hungry. I could really go for a chili cheese slaw dog right now.” And then poof! A person would appear with a silver tray holding a chili cheese slaw dog. Because it was their job to go to Dairy Queen - for the Queen. 


So what could possibly be in Queen Elizabeth’s purse that would require her to carry one at all times, including a rare royal portrait of four generations of the monarchy? Sally Bedell Smith, author of Elizabeth the Queen: The Woman Behind the Throne, says that the Queen’s purse contains reading glasses, mint lozenges, a fountain pen and lipstick.  Bedell Smith's list, derived from ladies-in-waiting and royal assistants, also includes money for the church donation plate as well as a hook the Queen uses to hang her purse underneath tables. "I watched the Queen open her handbag and remove a white suction cup and discreetly spit into it," a guest of the Queen's cousin said. "The Queen then attached the cup to the underside of the table. The cup had a hook on it, and she attached her handbag to it." Respect.  Phil Dampier, author of What's in the Queen's Handbag and other Royal Secrets , reports that the Queen also keeps personal items such as good luck charms from her children and family photos. So now she has a new family photo of herself, with her son, and her grandson, and her great-grandson, and her purse - that she keeps in her purse. 


The most interesting fact about Queen Elizabeth’s purse is not what she keeps inside her purse, but what she does with  her purse. According to royal historian Hugo Vickers, the Queen uses her purse to send secret signals to her staff. For instance, if she puts her purse on the floor it means “I am having a very boring conversation with this person, someone please come rescue me.” If she puts her purse up on the table, it means, “Y’all better get your stuff because we are leaving here in 5 minutes.” And if she grabs her purse and runs to the bathroom, it means that the chili cheese slaw dog person is fired. 


Karen Morgan, Esq. is an attorney, writer, and the mother of three college students. She helps people maintain their sense of humor when they need it the most. She does not own a pocketbook. But if she did, she would keep a chili cheese slaw dog in it. 

Just A Nice Summer Movie

By Karen Morgan • August 3, 2023
Growing up in Athens, Georgia, in the 1970s, I spent a lot of time at the movies. VCRs did not yet exist, so you had to go to the theater if you wanted to see a movie. We still had several movie theaters to choose from in Athens in those years: The Classic Triple (downtown); Beechwood Cinema (at Beechwood Shopping Center); Alps Cinema (at Alps Shopping Center); the Palace Theater (downtown); and the Paris Theater (also downtown). There was also Alps Drive-In, but the only driving we could do was on our sparkly banana seat bikes. In the summer of 1975, I went with my next-door neighbor, Margie Hodges, to see a movie at Beechwood Cinemas. Margie was 9. I was 11. Here's what you need to know about going to the movies in 1975: our parents just dropped us off. They gave us some money and said, “See you in 3 hours.” Nobody cared what we saw. Nobody cared what we did while we were there. They just dropped us off and ran errands or perhaps just went home to lie down in a quiet room. Either my mom or Margie's mom (it doesn’t matter which because neither of them stayed) dropped us off at Beechwood Cinema with money for a matinee ticket and snacks. Yippee. We bought popcorn and Raisinets and Junior Mints and Coke Icees, then wandered into the sweet cool air of the dark theater. Our sneakers squeaked on the sticky floors as we picked the best row – half way down, seats in the middle. “What’s this movie?” Margie asked me. “Not sure," I said. Something about summer vacation? or going to the beach? I don’t really know.” Neither of us cared. We had candy and popcorn and 3 hours of freedom in an air-conditioned space. The movie was superfluous. If we had bothered to look at the movie poster on the way in, we would have seen the words on the top of the poster that said, “The terrifying movie from the #1 terrifying best seller” written ABOVE THE GIANT SHARK. But we didn’t read it. And our moms certainly didn’t read it. They never even got out of the car. Or if they did, they didn’t tell us about it. They had errands to run. No one was concerned that Margie and I were about to see one of the most terrifying movie that I had ever seen to this day. In our parents’ defense, Jaws was rated PG. PG-13 would not be invented until 1984. So they thought it was okay for a 9-year-old and an 11-year-old to see “The terrifying movie from the #1 terrifying best seller” by themselves. It was not. I am still not okay. I was fine for the first part of the movie. I was fine when John Williams’ notes first played on the tuba. I was fine when they found pieces of Chrissy Watkins washed up on the beach. I was even fine when Alex Kintner got eaten in a spew of blood and rubber raft. Also, we lived inland so none of it mattered. However, I began to not be fine when Ben Gardner’s bodyless head rolled out of the bottom of the boat onto Richard Dreyfuss who was scuba diving below. When the crab crawled out of Ben Garnder’s eyeball socket, I began to question things. A lot of things. Should I be here? Did my mom think this was Ok for me? And if so, why? Despite our growing terror watching “the terrifying movie from the #1 terrifying best seller”, Margie Hodges and I stayed. We stayed in our seats with our popcorn and Coke Icees and Junior Mints tumbling out of our laps every time we jumped. I spent the rest of that movie in the seat with Margie Hodges. Not just next to her, IN THE SEAT WITH her. Mostly on top of her because she was a lot smaller than me. As we all know, John Williams’s music gets louder and faster and scarier to signal when the shark gets closer and closer. Every time this happened, which became more frequent as the movie goes on, I would put 2 fingers into my ears and mash 2 fingers into my eyeballs until I saw explosions of light. I’m amazed I still have vision. My only saving grace was near the end of the move when Quint gets eaten by the shark as the boat is sinking. Even though Quint had blood squirting out of his mouth while he was being chewed up by the shark, this scene was the first time when the shark wasn’t scary to me. As an astute 11 year old who had never seen a shark in real life, I remember telling Margie, “See, it’s not even real.” When the shark exploded at the end of the movie, Margie and I cheered triumphantly despite the fact that we were covered in spilled Icee and Junior Mints. We were happy, not because Richard Dreyfus and Roy Scheider had survived – but because WE had survived. We never left our seats (mostly because were afraid to) and we never gave up. We may have permanently damaged our ocular nerves and now have unreasonable fear swimming in lakes, but we remained victorious at Beechwood Cinemas that day in July of 1975. I have no memory of being picked up from the movies that day. No memory of my mom or Margie’s mom asking, “How was the movie?” and probably answering “Fine.” I do remember that for the rest of the summer and many more to come, we only went swimming at the lake or the pool. And even then, we were total wrecks.

Huffington Post Article

July 10, 2023
Karen was featured in the Huffington Post! Link Here "Comedian Comes Up With Hilarious Plan To Take The World Back From Gen Z" by Elyse Wanshel

Washington Post Article

July 7, 2023
Washington Post Article by Karen Heller: GenX Southern moms are what works in comedy now

How to Be the BEST Parent on a College Tour

By Karen Morgan • April 27, 2020
My daughter and I were finishing lunch in our rental car before going on our 157th college tour when we saw a father and son walking towards the Admissions Office. “Oh, what a nice Dad/Son moment,” I thought just before a colorful flash sprinted towards them wielding a hairbrush. The flash brushed his hair, spit on a napkin, wiped his face, and put all the evidence back in her purse before the poor thing ever knew what hit him. My daughter and I were delighted. This mom checked off not one, but two categories of our “those parents" list. And the tour had not even started yet. If you are a parent embarking upon the adventure of college tours with your child, keep your keep your eyes peeled for “those” parents. They will entertain you, horrify you, and give you a funny secret to share. Here are some tips on how to recognize "those" parents, and how you can be the BEST parent on the tour by not being one of them. The Overdressed Mom Mary Frances got up at 5:30 am to do her makeup, blow out her hair, and iron her starched pink tailored blouse that is now stained with underarm sweat. Her left heel is bleeding inside her high heel shoe that she insisted on wearing during this tour on an 85-degree sunny day. The humidity is 93%, but Mary Frances’ hair is still standing tall thanks to Extra Firm Hold hairspray and prayer. She continually tells her daughter to stand up straight and look people in the eye. Mary Frances’ purse has a giant monogram that matches her earrings. She also wore pearls, just in case a fancy tea is offered at some point on the tour. The Business Dad Richard takes business calls on his cell phone throughout the tour. He steps just far enough away from the group to create the perception of politeness, but not far enough away to actually be polite. He complains loudly about his assistant’s incompetence for not forwarding him the correct email while he is "spending quality time" with his son. Richard likes to give his son a thumbs-up sign while he’s on the phone to show he is an involved Dad. Richard wears a business casual golf shirt with his company’s logo embroidered on the pocket, and loafers without socks. He will later take his son out for a fancy steak dinner tonight and talk on his phone at the table. He will also assuredly send his steak back to the kitchen because it wasn't cooked right. The Helicopter Mom Janet has read every piece of literature that was mailed to the house from this college. She has studied every page of the college website in great detail. Janet asks 18 times as many questions as every other parent on the tour and writes down the answers in a notebook she carries with her. Her favorite questions are about campus security, including wanting to know exactly how much distance (in feet) is between the blue light call boxes. Janet is upset that the tour doesn’t include the campus health center and wants to know if parents can call to make appointments for their children. She also wants to know when grades are posted each semester and how parents are supposed to access those grades. The Sports Dad Keith is touring this campus even though his son probably won’t be going here due to better offers from other schools with better teams. Keith wears his son’s high school sports team logo embroidered on every article of his clothing he wears, from his embroidered snap- back trucker cap, to his Under Armour three-quarter zip shirt, to his fleece vest, to his track pants. Keith likes to coach his son throughout the tour about other teams that beat this school in sports. He also wants to know if the varsity athletes have to share their gym with “non-athlete” students. Keith will take his son out to dinner at Applebee's tonight and order two Michelob Ultras. The Party Mom Kimberly is wearing big sunglasses and her daughter’s jeans because she “forgot” her pants on the trip. But lucky for Kimberly, she can share her daughter's clothes. Kimberly asks a lot of questions about the school’s alcohol policy and whether girls can rush sororities during their freshman year. She wants her daughter to be in an all-girls dorm but only if she gets to pick her roommate from a website with photos. Kimberly sneaks off throughout the tour to smoke, then comes back smelling like Marlboro Lights and Wintergreen Lifesavers. She drives an SUV at home and can't understand why her daughter talks back to her. The Intellectual Dad Ted was a Rhodes Scholar. He is very polite on the tour even though his daughter will be going to Harvard instead of "this place." Ted wears a blazer with patches on the elbows and does not appear to own a cell phone. It is unclear whether Ted is married, divorced or widowed, but he adores his daughter and tries very hard not to embarrass her around the other "dumb people." Ted asks so many questions in the biology and math departments that the other parents start checking their Facebook feeds and making Tik Tok videos. Ted does not eat processed foods. He will take his daughter out to eat at Whole Foods for dinner. Both Parents of Single Child Carl and Judy have co-parented their son for eighteen years, and By Golly they are not going to stop now. They both attend every college tour with their son, insisting that he walk between them in the back of the group. They constantly ask him if he understands the information imparted on the tour. Carl and Judy are looking forward to being Empty Nesters next year so they can fix up their son’s room to surprise him when he comes home on Thanksgiving break. But he will be going to the Bahamas with his new college friends instead. Surprise! How to Be the Best Parent On A College Tour College tours are a wonderful way to spend one-on-one time with your son or daughter as you both prepare for the next chapter of their lives. These trips provide an opportunity to travel together, go out to eat together, laugh together, and talk together in a way you may not be able to during your busy lives at home. I highly recommend leaving younger siblings at home in order to have some focused time with your rising college student. So what is the best parent to be during a college tour? Be present. Turn off your phone and listen carefully to the information provided by the tour guide so that you can help your child when it comes time to make a decision. Be prepared. Make sure your student arrives on time, is not hungry, and is appropriately dressed for walking in the current weather. Be unselfish. This your child's journey - not yours. While you may have a plan in mind for your child or are reminiscent of your own college experience, this is not your time. It's theirs. Be calm. The college admissions process can create anxiety in even the most laid back parents. Your child will look to you for example, so stay calm and relaxed to set the tone. Even if you don't feel that way inside. Be happy. Look for humorous ways to enjoy college tours. Share inside jokes, create your own "College Tour Bingo," or even play "Spot 'Those' Parents" to break the tension whenever possible. Shared laughter is the best way to enjoy the experience together. Enjoy this special time because before you know it, you will be packing the car with dorm supplies. Karen Morgan, Esq. is an attorney, writer, and mother of three college students. She helps parents navigate the insanity of the college admissions process while keeping a sense of humor.